this is for him

few years back, there was this boy whom i love to watch from a distance. you can call me 'stalker' if you want however i don't consider myself a 'stalker' since i don't really watch his every move and i don't really look for him if he's out of my sight. i must admit that i was excited every time i see him, and there was something going on in my chest whenever i see him even if he was more than 10 meters away from me-- that distance could already make me happy. i've been watching him and felt contented but things changed when someone told me that, that guy likes me too, but he has a girlfriend. i just love watching him from afar and i didn't expect anything anyway since we're both strangers. things got more complicated when we begun to talk to each other and the barrier between us strangers begun to stumble. i didn't keep my hopes high since he wasn't the typical guy and i thought a guy like him won't take me seriously. having that presumption in mind, i didn't take all the conversations that we had seriously. i'd say i was fooling around him... throwing jokes and sarcasms and we never really talked about serious things. we never talked about any kind of relationships like friendship or love, and we never talked about our likes or dislikes, in short-- we never talked about 'us' and we only talked about anything under the sun except anything about 'us'. whenever i talked to him, the conversation appears as if i was making fun of him and it's always like that. little did he know, i was only doing that to hide my true self because i don't want to lose him and i was protecting myself from being hurt. my greatest fear that time was him running away from me after finding out my feelings for him. did i lie to him during those conversations that we had? nope, never. i never lied to him. in fact i revealed to him my true self for several times already, but i just coated it with jokes, that's why i think he didn't take any of my revelations seriously. maybe he thought i was bluffing. hell yeah i was good at bluffing... bluffing in the sense that i coated my true feelings with jokes and sarcasms, but i never lied to him.
weeks later i got sick and tired of waiting for him to admit to me what he's up to, so i decided to move on. i stopped waiting for him to take me seriously. i just felt bad that he just saw the surface and he didn't try to see right through behind my jokes and sarcasms. well, if he can't handle my worst, the he doesn't deserve the best part of me