Without failure

It's amazing how big blessings come in small packages. Four months ago, my husband and I never thought that I was already two months pregnant. Although I had unusual discomforts going through during that time, it took us weeks before we finally confirmed that we are having a baby. It was and it is a very exciting experience for us since we waited for two years for this blessing to come. We've been waiting for the baby, yet I could say that I got scared. Until now, there are a lot of things going on inside my head. I have a lot of doubts and fears brought by this blessing. 


When we learned about the pregnancy, I started having nightmares like I'm having a faceless baby, my baby was stolen by a scary guy, and the worst nightmare of all, my baby is dead. Because of those nightmares I had a lot of sleepless nights and there were times wherein I ended up crying in the middle of the night, waking up my husband just to tell him how horrible I feel after waking up from a nightmare. 


Because of my pregnancy, I didn't have a choice but to stop working. Unlike other pregnant women, in my case I can't work because my body nor the baby is that strong and there was and still there is a possibility of miscarriage if I acquire too much stress. For almost a month I was advised by my doctor to have a complete bed rest and I wasn't allowed to stand up and the only chance I could stand was if I have to go to the bathroom.


During the first trimester, the feeling of helplessness was starting to creep on me and the more I get the feeling of being weak, the more I think about negative things and I can't avoid being depress. However, during my personal/emotional battle, I can say that I am so blessed. I'm so thankful that God gave me a husband who is very supportive and very understanding. Whenever I feel down and whenever I cry, Ryan never fails to comfort me and he always encourage me to be stronger for the baby and for myself. When I had this terrible abdominal pains and during the time when I had difficulty walking, Ryan was there to relieve those pains by giving me massage and he helped me walk and he even carried me because I can no longer walk. He remained strong for me and he always shows me that everything will be fine. Whenever he sees my tears falling, he just gives me smile and warm embrace and he tells me how much he loves me and our baby.


Because of fear of losing the baby, I never skip monthly check-ups and I never fail to take all the vitamins and medicines that my doctor asked to me to take everyday. I followed all the advices that I think would be helpful for me and my baby's condition. I always pray to God to help me become physically, mentally, and emotionally strong and I also pray to Him not to permit any harm against my baby and to keep my baby safe and healthy. Everyday I talk to my baby asking her to be strong and to hold on. I always tell her that we will go through this together without failure. I'm glad that she's responding through moving whenever I talk to her, and I take her every movement as her affirmation that she is willing to hold on. 

Good thing about the second trimester is, I no longer feel the horrible abdominal pain unlike before. My baby is moving with eagerness which sometimes makes me feel internally battered and dizzy but I like it that way because it's an affirmation that she is a strong baby and a happy baby. On the 24th of May, we had 4D ultrasound and for the first time I saw her smile and she even waved her hand at us. I felt so relieved to see my beautiful baby girl happy while she is still inside me. I am proud to say that I've been successful in taking good care of her and I'm glad we made it this far. Three more months and she will be out in this world and I am so excited to embrace her and see her smile at me and her daddy again. 


The third trimester is about to start and new doubts and fears are going to enter my mind, but I know God will never fail to give me wisdom and strength to face them. I made it this far because He is my strong tower and I have an abundant source of strength and aside from that I also have a great support system. I made it this far, we made it this far and I am holding on to that promise that we will finish the race without failure.