It's amazing how big blessings come in small packages. Four months ago, my husband and I never thought that I was already two months pregnant. Although I had unusual discomforts going through during that time, it took us weeks before we finally confirmed that we are having a baby. It was and it is a very exciting experience for us since we waited for two years for this blessing to come. We've been waiting for the baby, yet I could say that I got scared. Until now, there are a lot of things going on inside my head. I have a lot of doubts and fears brought by this blessing.
When we learned about the pregnancy, I started having nightmares like I'm having a faceless baby, my baby was stolen by a scary guy, and the worst nightmare of all, my baby is dead. Because of those nightmares I had a lot of sleepless nights and there were times wherein I ended up crying in the middle of the night, waking up my husband just to tell him how horrible I feel after waking up from a nightmare.
Because of my pregnancy, I didn't have a choice but to stop working. Unlike other pregnant women, in my case I can't work because my body nor the baby is that strong and there was and still there is a possibility of miscarriage if I acquire too much stress. For almost a month I was advised by my doctor to have a complete bed rest and I wasn't allowed to stand up and the only chance I could stand was if I have to go to the bathroom.
During the first trimester, the feeling of helplessness was starting to creep on me and the more I get the feeling of being weak, the more I think about negative things and I can't avoid being depress. However, during my personal/emotional battle, I can say that I am so blessed. I'm so thankful that God gave me a husband who is very supportive and very understanding. Whenever I feel down and whenever I cry, Ryan never fails to comfort me and he always encourage me to be stronger for the baby and for myself. When I had this terrible abdominal pains and during the time when I had difficulty walking, Ryan was there to relieve those pains by giving me massage and he helped me walk and he even carried me because I can no longer walk. He remained strong for me and he always shows me that everything will be fine. Whenever he sees my tears falling, he just gives me smile and warm embrace and he tells me how much he loves me and our baby.
Because of fear of losing the baby, I never skip monthly check-ups and I never fail to take all the vitamins and medicines that my doctor asked to me to take everyday. I followed all the advices that I think would be helpful for me and my baby's condition. I always pray to God to help me become physically, mentally, and emotionally strong and I also pray to Him not to permit any harm against my baby and to keep my baby safe and healthy. Everyday I talk to my baby asking her to be strong and to hold on. I always tell her that we will go through this together without failure. I'm glad that she's responding through moving whenever I talk to her, and I take her every movement as her affirmation that she is willing to hold on.
The third trimester is about to start and new doubts and fears are going to enter my mind, but I know God will never fail to give me wisdom and strength to face them. I made it this far because He is my strong tower and I have an abundant source of strength and aside from that I also have a great support system. I made it this far, we made it this far and I am holding on to that promise that we will finish the race without failure.
It's so unfair for you to say you love me when everything is over. It's so disappointing to hear you say that you should have told me what you really felt that time when we knew we can't turn back the time. I've invested so much heartache and I became deeply emotionally attach to you that I find it so hard to let go of you even if I knew we belong to someone else. Yes it's true, it's almost three years since everything between us took place, and it's been two years since the last time I saw you. I can still remember what you told me and I can still remember everything that we did and where we made mistakes, and the worst part of that memory is that, when you told me that you love me, but then again it was too late- too late that you can never have me back. It's funny that I used "never have me back" because I was never yours in the first place and you were never mine. I just wish that we could have gone that far but it never happen. It would be a lie if I tell you I don't miss your embrace and your gentle kiss from that night that was very special for both of us. If you only knew that I could have wish for that moment to stop so that I can be with you for as long as I could, but it never happen and everything ended so soon. Everything ended sooner than we thought it would.
few years back, there was this boy whom i love to watch from a distance. you can call me 'stalker' if you want however i don't consider myself a 'stalker' since i don't really watch his every move and i don't really look for him if he's out of my sight. i must admit that i was excited every time i see him, and there was something going on in my chest whenever i see him even if he was more than 10 meters away from me-- that distance could already make me happy. i've been watching him and felt contented but things changed when someone told me that, that guy likes me too, but he has a girlfriend. i just love watching him from afar and i didn't expect anything anyway since we're both strangers. things got more complicated when we begun to talk to each other and the barrier between us strangers begun to stumble. i didn't keep my hopes high since he wasn't the typical guy and i thought a guy like him won't take me seriously. having that presumption in mind, i didn't take all the conversations that we had seriously. i'd say i was fooling around him... throwing jokes and sarcasms and we never really talked about serious things. we never talked about any kind of relationships like friendship or love, and we never talked about our likes or dislikes, in short-- we never talked about 'us' and we only talked about anything under the sun except anything about 'us'. whenever i talked to him, the conversation appears as if i was making fun of him and it's always like that. little did he know, i was only doing that to hide my true self because i don't want to lose him and i was protecting myself from being hurt. my greatest fear that time was him running away from me after finding out my feelings for him. did i lie to him during those conversations that we had? nope, never. i never lied to him. in fact i revealed to him my true self for several times already, but i just coated it with jokes, that's why i think he didn't take any of my revelations seriously. maybe he thought i was bluffing. hell yeah i was good at bluffing... bluffing in the sense that i coated my true feelings with jokes and sarcasms, but i never lied to him.
weeks later i got sick and tired of waiting for him to admit to me what he's up to, so i decided to move on. i stopped waiting for him to take me seriously. i just felt bad that he just saw the surface and he didn't try to see right through behind my jokes and sarcasms. well, if he can't handle my worst, the he doesn't deserve the best part of me
